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| i collapse on the floor once again with the knife gripped tightly in my hand
my own little piece of hell, or is it heaven?
its just a knife, its just a little blood, just a little pain, just a little escape
from all the pressure, how it works i dont know. maybe hurting the outside
will somehow justify all the pain i feel on the inside.
how it looks to you, i dont care. this isn't your fight.
its mine and mine alone, so stay away
i dont let people in, this is my own,
so dont try, to talk to me, to cry for me, i wont let you in.
im in this alone.
my thoughts start to race, my whole body...tense
my heart is steady, steady? yes, this is relaxing.
my own little prison, no one can come in
the only problem,
i cant get out.
my palms are sweaty as i grip the knife
placing it onto my unbroken skin
ive gone through this a million times in my mind
its not hard, no one has to know, i know ill feel better after
but when the time comes to go through with it
many times i just feel like that moment is suspended
like im there on the floor for hours just waiting
like someone will come do it for me so i wont have to watch
as i wait, somehow i slowly start to drag the silver blade across
praying that ill have to strength to press down
sharp, shiny, silver metal, blood red defeat
i have given in, i have lost this fight.
now if you look close enough you can see these scars
not all are on my skin, in fact most are not.
they go much deeper, my mind and my heart.
but why do you care
will it give you the pleasure to see them, and know you were right
that i need help, more than you can give.
dont bother, dont give me another thought
just give me a knife and
just let me live in my own little prison
of blood red defeat
just a little pill, just a little sleep, 1.2.5.9.20...
whats too much, when do i stop?
i just needed a release, a way to get out
its one thing or its the other, ill even let you choose.
i cant decide, my thoughts quickly fade
and i slip into some false reality
and what im left with is just this
unbearable pain, ive lived with for longer than i care to remember
hoping to wake up the next morning, somehow rid of all this
or just to not wake up at all
yet again the alarm goes off
and still not all the way there, i slip out of bed
for one more long day
full of thoughts of nightfall when i can once again
visit my prison of blood red defeat
and then hide away in some false reality until...
the morning sun comes and i have to re live this over and over and over
and just hoping one day it will all stop
why keep going through this ritual of self hate
it didn't always used to be like this
reminders of my past
i wish it was all a lie
i just want to feel, is that some horrible thing?
i am just trying to find something to make me feel real
pain i can feel, love i can feel...so thats what im getting
however i can, i take what i can get
i am deceitful, and manipulative i get what i want
this world is harsh, you have to change yourself
innocence is now just a far off memory
now, just to clairify i wrote this in the middle of my second year...in fact it was Januaury 24 2006... i was going back through my writings tonight just re- reading them and remembering where i was at when i wrote certian things. i like to do that sometimes b/c it just reminds me of what all God has brought me through and what he has done in me. its kinda like i get re-charged in a way. that sounds stupid but whatever i really dont care. I remember exactly where i was when i wrote this. it was a tuesday morinng and it was around 8 15 in the morning...that would put me right in the middle of prayer.. and..i could take you to the exact table and chair i was sitting at in the all purpose room at antioch church. I remember it like it was yesterday. i had been on a streak for about 2 weeks that i would bring my computer to prayer and just write...no praying really occured. just writing. and when i came across this tonight it jumped out at me. ive never shared this piece before just cause at the time it was so real that it scared me so bad and hurt too much to let it out..but now..it doesnt hurt anymore..at least not in the same way.. i can look back with confidance, and not shame now. just proof of how big our God is.
i have these moments every once in a while..where something happens in me, in my mind..and in a instant..things change. in one moment..your whole perspective can change..either for the better or for the wrose. Every day (now that i live back at home) i watch my mom deal with a pretty bad case of depression. Now i would say “fight” depression..but really there is not much fighting going on in her case. and to be honest it really pisses me off. I see her wasting her life..and it drives me crazy...she has so many talents and abailites that she has never even bothered to tap into. its like this one woman had so much potential and its just being wasted. now, im not trying to make her out to be bad or anything...but i know about depression, i deal with it myself.but there is something about your mindset that makes ALL the difference. Everyone faces their own battles none more difficult than another.. i know people dealing with financial problems, or physical problems, or emotional problems...and EVERY time...its the people that fight with everything inside of them and have their mind set ABOVE whatever problem thats facing them that overcome it and succeed. that dont surrender their life to the problem. that dont get defeated. i have 2 people that are very close to me that are fighting huge battles right now. things that any ordinary person probably couldnt handle. but as i watch these 2 fight with all that they are, it so encourages me in so many ways. they are 2 of the happiest people i know. DESPITE the circumstances. actually happiness isnt the right word..its Joy. it says in the Bible that the JOY of the Lord will be my strength...isnt that cool? cause i can totally see it.
sometimes when i face something it seems like a mountian..a physical mountain..blocking me from whatever lies after it.. but have you ever climbed a mountian?...you see it from far away and you think..” that doesnt seem so bad..i think i can do it..”....and you keep walking and you reach the base of the mountain and look up..” there is no way” is what has always comes to my mind..NOW...right there is where some people stop. they give up. and in that moment..you have been defeated. some people will get this rush of adrenaline and race ahead of whoever they are with cause they are so excited to conquer this mountain on their own ( thats always been me) but about halfway up you get worn out and want to quit so bad. and its in that moment that you are defeated...too tired to walk back down and too worn out to keep going. your stuck. then there is the other people..standing at the base of the mountain looking up knowing its going to be a struggle and knowing that its gonna hurt. and steadily start to climb the mountain...one step at a time..( this makes me think of my dad) your not scared..and your not over confidiant. and every time these are the people that make it. Knowing that this mountain is going to suck and its going to be hard. but also realizing that persistance is the key...
and when you finally do make it to the top of that mountain..you have the View..thats always my favorite part. being at a place where you can understand why you went through all the trials it took to make it to the top..and being able to see ahead to whatever lies next. thats the beauty of this journey we are on with God. Fighting for something that you dont always see, you dont always feel. and honestly you dont always even want.. but knowing deep inside your soul..knowing without any doubt. Its a fight and you are going to take some serious hits during your walk with God...just remember to keep getting up, even when it seems hopeless b/c your just going to get knocked out again. Get out there and throw some punches of your own...for your friends, and your family, and strangers that you meet, and for yourself. and be encouraged that there are others out there fighting for YOU.
i know this post is compleatly random...i feel like most of them are haha.. but just take it for what its worth, weather that be nothing or something. whatever. i just wrote what was in my head. nothing great, just words and thoughts. from a 21 year old girl trying to figure things out right along with the rest of you. realizing that i know very little about life and myself just knowing that i am far from where i used to be, being thankful for the people in my life, and thankful that God has walked with me in every moment. and has made me who am i today and is continually changing me into the person He wants me to become despite ALL my faults and screw ups and i definitely have my fair share.and probably your share as well. ha. | | |
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sometimes, the fight gets to me
sometimes it seems like more than i can handle
i hate feeling like i cant keep it together
but worse than that is feeling like i have to keep it all together
this pressure comes over me like i have to hide everything that i feel
it eats me up inside and i cant contain it
never will it be more than i can handle and
never will i have to do it alone
its this crazy cycle of self doubt, fear, anger, and insecurities
neverending...it seems
your not good enough
nobody wants you
and nobody cares
you cant do anything right
your not strong enough
talented enough
pretty enough
smart enough
you just N O T enough
all the anger inside me starts to rise up...
do you ever feel that this? am i describing it in a way so that you can relate?
i know its not just me. it cant be. so how do you fight against these feelings when they come and seem to consume you? how to you fight your emotions and how you feel. they are tied into the very person that you are. They are lies, i know they are not true, i know that i am who God says i am. and i know that words have the power of life and death..so what do you do...you FIGHT BACK. you make the choice and fight with everything inside of you, God has called us to be warriors. and has said that we are more than conquerors through Christ Jesus. and he has already given us the victory. Ps 118:14 The Lord is my strength and my song, he has given me victory. Rom 8:37 no, DESPITE all these things, OVERWHELMING victory is ours through Christ. who loved us.
my take on that last one, is that we aren't just “survivors” in life...we dont just “make the cut” we are Overwhelming victorious! not because of anything good in ourselves. but only that Christ lives through and in us.that in the face of all the crap that life can throw at us, and we all know it gets hard. That no matter what may come, we dont have to walk around like victims. How i see it, as long as you are walking with Jesus right next to you, when life starts to kick you around and you get knocked down, all you have to do is remember who your father is and take his hand and you can kick the crap out of life right back! and Jesus already promises us that we are victorious!
I found myself walking around tonight really down and out it seemed like. for no reason really . i caught myself thinking for a second about just ending it all. now, that's a feeling that i havnt had in quite a while so it really caught me off guard. i didn't understand where it was coming from or why. i realized that when you let satan just have a tiny piece of you, weather it be your actions, or thoughts, or even intentions. it grows, quickly..I say this just as a reminder..dont let the little things slip. i think i had gotten to a point of being prideful that i have come to the place i am at. and that is wrong. It says in the Bible pride comes before a fall.. I have to remind myself daily at the least, and most times moment to moment to rely on God for everything.The problems start to happen when you feel like you dont need God. even if its for little things. i know this jumps around alot and i dont even know if it even makes sense. but i just felt like i needed to write this all out. so, there it is.
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| i can feel you lord, i know you are near
you are in my heart but i can feel you
your presence is where i love to linger
so safe and so secure
worries and cares of the world drift away
and im left with all i could ever want or need
its you, and only you.
you satisfy my every need, my every want
just to sit with you and know you are near
my soul is c o n t e n t in you, my heart safe
nothing compares to this feeling
but its more than just a feeling
its being so sure and confidiant in the one who loves me
completely and forever
i constantly fall short of who i want to be
but n e v e r once have you fallen short of being everything i need
My jesus, be with the ones that my heart cries out for. be there in the moments of silence, and in the moments of chaos within their soul that only they know. overtake them, overpower them with you love and wrap them in your loving embrace where the world is okay, if only for a moment. help them find joy when the world gives them no reason to. heal the bodies and minds Jesus, only you know. | | |
| i love my life..really i do. way too often i get so caught up in myself and things that seem like my world is ending,when i look at the big picture though, i blow the little things out of proportion. i let the little things defeat me. my mindset is too wordly and WAY to self-centered. i really dont like that at all. i have such a great life...i am blessed way beyond anything i can imagine. i have walked through alot, yes, but its made me stronger, and its made me who i am. and i have the nerve to think i have a hard life, or that somehow i deserve something more than what i have? i get mad when God tells me no. like a little bratty child. how annoying is that. i feel like i know that i need and what i want and then get mad at God when he changes things, thats ridicuolous.
i want to be a social worker, i want to help people. thats the bottom line, thats the dream that God has given me, and i am so excited. just thinking about it almost brings me to tears, it seems too good to be true, thats how i know its God. i dont know the road im going to take to get there, but why cant i help people now? its in my heart, its at the center of who i am. i want my life to be about other people. not about me. thats kind of a hard pill to swallow though, its easy to say, and very hard to do.
its me and God, i think i gotta start back with the basics, somehow i think i skipped falling in love with God, i would fall in love with guys, cause its tangible, i could feel it, i could hear it. thats what i wanted. and i never took the time to realize that that needs to come from God first and foremost. because its because he loves me, that i can love others. i dont want to love others with the love that i have, its not what they need. i need to show them the love that God has for them. it may have taken me a while to really figure that out, but never too late...right?
a friend used to always encourage me to fall in love with Jesus, i never really understood what that meant, but i think i finally do. He has so much wisdom that i never took advantage of, but now i am. i understand. how important it is to love God, to be a daughter to him, to crawl in his lap and feel that security that i SO long for. that ive looked for in all the wrong places for so long. and the whole time its been right in front of me. Hes just waiting for me to want him, hes always wanted me...not just being a "christian" but a deep and real relationship that goes far beyond what i know. but its what i desire about anything else. sometimes you have to be stripped of the things that make you comfortable, the things that took the place of who God wants to be in your life. Jesus take me through the fire. im ready. | | |
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